Call of Duty: moderately predictable warfare
by Lord Michael Blackburn
Summary: Blackburn, against his better judgment, bought COD 75 modernly black operations of welfare in warfare also known as CODMBOOWIW 75 and finally gets to "see" what is so good about COD to people….let's just say, that for a writer of parody, it made him pause. rated W for WTF was i thinking?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: this story is big-time offensive. I expect hate reviews from COD fanboys who think there little whines matter, the FBI probing me for stupid shit, and Obama taxing me for a welfare mansion.

So, this is for my true homies, or anyone who has sense of rude as hell humor.

*cough cough colebrandonrobertjosiahs*

Call of duty: moderately predictable warfare 4

By: "lord" Michael Blackburn

Plot: Blackburn, against his better judgment, bought COD 75 modernly black operations of welfare in warfare (CODMBOOWIW)(75) and finally gets to "see" what is so good about COD to people….let's just say, that for a writer of parody, it made him pause.

(basically, I buy a COD game, and in a 5 chapter story, play it.)

Chapter 1: 60 bucks I could have spent on crack

Blackburn, rather annoyed, sat down in front of his Xbox; in his hand was the satin-spawn of his life…_call of duty_. But not just ANY _call of duty_; the new one the released 2 weeks after the last one, _COD 74 copy-and-paste warfare_. This one was called _COD 75 modernly black operations of welfare in warfare. _he didn't know why he had bought this game, really.

The first call of duty's with WW2 and even the first modern warfare, and the last good one, world at war…those were still his favorites; but, it was 2015; the new Xbox came out, wiping PS3 to being little more than a over-priced blu-ray player, and the WiiU was little more than a game system with a masturbation simulator. The PC still kicked ass royally, and ARMA 3 and even ARMA 2 kept his eyes riveted to the screen. Battlefield was fine, still…he hated EA. Ubisoft got their act together with the far cry series, and rainbow six patriots was challenging still.

Yet, the call of duty series still hung on, after its reign began to degrade via it's stupid managers; first they shrunk the maps down, then they began to make it even easier to play, with little challenge involved, putting even stupider scenarios in its campaign. But, worse, because it sold to the millions of 11-year old cattle, other companies of Jew-intentions (COUGHCOUGH*EA*COUGH) even had to gall to suggest to subsidiary developers to copy there single-player ideas. That was the first blow that he figured would kill the battlefield series, starting with 3.

But, it was time to cast out any form of logic, and originality; it was time to but in the COD disc.

As it slid into the Xbox, his heart sunk as a large dick and "activison" came, pun unintended, on the screen, revealing the words, in bold: _CALL OF DUTY: YOU'RE A FAG IF YOUR READING THIS- GO BUY ELITE AND FEED OUR BASTARD CHILDERN._

It promptly went to the main menu, and he saw 3 main options, copied from MW2: single-player, special ops, and multiplayer. Being a unassuming sap, he pressed on the single player option and the screen flooded with brainwashing pictures of captain price in a thong, kissing satin's symbols as the American culture and identity burned in the background, with Castro pissing on Nixon's grave.

Blackburn rolled his eyes; he got tired of seeing these ever since the liberals took over the media. He pressed the 'skip cutscene' button and it went to the loading screen and the voice of captain price:

"_we killed Sheppard….makarov….human dignity….one of the spice girls…but that was not enough. I have to be totally emo about ghost and soap's death while I quietly sob and finger myself at night. I have to tell the people, that history is full of liars, and that clubbing seals is bad…but, first….i have to find some old friends._

The screen turned white, and appeared to be in a first-person view of price, who was using makarov's skull as a fleshlight while he romanced his golden intervention with the words "soap" engraved on it; he put out his blunt as he stood up and looked out the window; as far as the eye could see, it was a city of smoking buildings, with bodies and destroyed cars everywhere.

A voice behind him said "Detroit's city council cleaned the place up; it looks much better, does it not?"

Price turned around and nodded to his friend, who stepped out of the shadows; it was his good buddy and pin-pal Viktor reznov. Price threw him a beer and said "so…after treyarch bought infinity ward, who else did they bring back from the dead?"

Reznov laughed and said "well, they brought back mason, sgt Sullivan who is now a _game informer _editor and monthly pin-up whore, then they brought back my bitch, Chernov, and my wet dream Dmitri!"

They both laughed when all of sudden, smoke grenades went off and Muslim zombie spetznaz rappelled in through the windows and began spraying laser guns and spamming grenades, hitting nothing.

Captain price got a hard-on and yelled "OH MY GOD! INSTANT UNEXPLAINED ATTACKERS…START SPRAYING REZNOV!"

he pulled a model 1620 musket out of his ass and the game let Blackburn take control; he looked over and saw reznov running in front of him any time he aimed down his sights, also noting that his gun was a gold and black desert eagle with a laser sight, acog scope, drum mag, and bayonet.

He pulled the trigger of the musket, and it fired 12 aim-bot missiles that killed the retarded spetznaz zombies in 1 hit. Reznov, suddenly somehow knowing everything, pulled out a bunch of shit-slathered helicopter parts out of his ass and in 3 seconds, built a chopper gunner and suddenly knew how to fly it. he yelled to price "GET TO DA CHOPPA! WE HAVE TO LEAVE TO RUSSIA AND KILL INNOCENT PEOPLE IN A THEATER!"

Price spoke up in a Marcus fenix voice and said "NICE!"

As price got into the helicopter, it turned into nyan cat and instantly teleported them to Russia. The loading screen was comprised of several scat pornos and Nikki minaj wailing about seals.

In real life, Blackburn stuck some gauze in his left ear as his brain began to _leak out_.

As the next part of the level began to show, price and reznov were hiding under folded newspapers with silenced sniper rifles in the middle of the side-walk in Moscow. Price whispered by yelling "DON'T BLOW OUR COVER! THIS IS AN IMPORTANT MISSION WE ARE PISSING AROUND BY DOING!"

Reznov screamed "FIRE THE PANZERCHECK!" and quick scoped a pedestrian with his beta-mag equipped BARRET .50 SMG; a random hobo went up to the body and took the dead man's clothes and wallet, then ran into a alley. A Russian police officer walked up and lifted one of the newspapers and said "um…what the fuck are you doing?" in perfect English in Russia.

Price screamed "WE ARE COMPRIMISED!"

The policeman screamed as reznov and price pulled him under the newspapers and broke his neck, then ate him.

They then stood up and said "no Russia" and just as they were about to shoot people, a message came on screen:

"YOU ARE ABOUT TO PLAY THE TALIBAN TRAINING LEVEL; YOU MAY FIND THIS INFORMATIVE AS YOU ARE A STUPID WESTERNER; DO YOU WISH TO KEEP GOING FOR ALLAH?"

Blackburn sighed; he might as well, he was on the run from 3 major governments anyway.

He pressed ok, and it teleported him to a Iraqi bunker, where Osama bin laden beat his meat for 40 minutes, before he was quick-scoped by Obama, who was later voted supreme overlord of Africa/ the welfare states of obamica, formerly known as the USA.

It went back to Russia, and captain price stood over the body of several dead robo-hitlers as a message crackled in over his iPhone97.4:

"_price…*COUGH*!..this is overlord….i am in a old-folks home in milwalkie, watching to trailer-park whores make out. I'm inviting them over, wanna have a gangbang?"_

Before Blackburn was given the option of "no." and "HELL NAW NIGGA" it teleported him to a seedy old-folks home that contained a bunch of horny ass elders. Blackburn threw up from the next 30 minutes of this mission, as he couldn't even describe them.

(30 minutes later….)

As it said MISSON COMPLETE AT: 69% OF INTEL FOUND, it began to load the next mission. Blackburn paused it as he went to take a shower and cry himself to sleep in the bath-tub.

A/N: so, review his…monstrosity….and tell me what you think! Also, I am now taking bets on the COD kids who will rage. Place your bets in cookies in the reviews, also.

(there is no winner, your all right about COD kids.)


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: god damn…I got pissed off writing this chapter. I think I wrinkled my randy Travis poster.

Chapter 2: I feel a panis in my anus

Blackburn wiped the mucus and vomit off of him as he got out of the bathtub; he coughed up a little bit of his pride as he went back to his room and began playing that horrid game again.

It now showed a level that appeared to be at E3; it went to price in first person.

He looked at reznov, covered in dog jizz, and said "get on the tactical thong. We need to break this up!"

Reznov nodded and said "I really hate hitler. Even though he was born on my birthday. Which is also 4/20 YOLO!"

Blackburn slapped his cat as soon as he heard that dreaded hipster word; he gave the TV a look that instantly caused it to lose its USB port's virginity.

The next part was weirder than hell; the game gave control to Blackburn, and watched as reznov started raping random people, and firing his panzercheck at anything that was not COD related; price ran up to gabe newall, but as he was about to rape him, gaben yelled "YOU JUST CAUSED ME TO DELAY HL3 FOR 10 MORE YEARS!"

He knocked the table over and pulled out a baconanter with cheese, and a M-60 with explosive ammo. He stuffed the burger into his fatass and began spraying the M-60, killing innocent children in the audience.

Price jumped behind a thin-ass paper table, which deflected the rounds, because the game was a shitty arcade shooter; gaben roared in rage as he called in his spetznaz Muslim zombies who were also his hookers, who also had M-60's and were just as bad of an aim as him; reznov pulled out his dick and yelled "DMITRI! TAKE IT ALL OFF NOW!"

He then knocked over the zombies spetznaz whatever the fucks and began to ravage there assholes, much like the children activison have locked in there basement(s).

Price pulled out his knife, which had a stock, scope, and rocket with heat-seeking stuck on it; he swung it and flew up to gaben, stabbing the shit out of him, and delaying half-life 3 even more.

The fight ended when a F-16 flew into the building, dumping a golden bomb on gaben, the bomb label "slim fast".

Gaben withered in healthy agony as he melted away.

Everyone in the crowd began to cheer; so reznov yelled "NAZIS OVER HERE!"

It then became a clusterfuck as every bullet fired hit children, to make the game "edgy" and "controversial".

They both began a circle-jerk as the loading menu came up, and a cut-scene happened:

"_we have done nothing…we are fucking around….MKULTRA is worming into your brains right now…you will wake up and find furry porn being e-mailed to your grandma, labeled "what I think of you" then, we will take down EA and make COD rule the world!"_

It ended, and they now were in a gay strip club, with US. Marines who had don't ask, don't tell removed, and Ramirez was sucking sgt Foley's dick.

Blackburn paused; Foley was a ranger.

Foley looked at price and said "RAMIREZ! Suck these noob's dicks while I give them a stupid mission"

Before Blackburn could pistol whip the Mexican, he was clamped on price's waist sucking away; Foley said "those Russian bastards killed soap. I didn't even know the fuck, but I was put here as a token character to give you a mission; go to Iran and pick up the magical pony jizz those Muslim bastards are using to power up the Hasbro brainwashing beam to make all bronies in love with the show watch my little Allah: terrorism is magic instead of the other masterpiece. Then you kill all bronies because COD is for kids like king Curtis, and that squeaker from _two and a half men_. We hate bronies because its gay, and we are going to judge something that we have never seen, or even know about. NOW MOVE YOUR TIGHT ASS!"

They quickly teleported away as reznov began trashing on bronies "..so, then I go up to this guy who was captain of our football team, and I'm like "see those band kids? I bet they watch ponies." The captain then ripped my balls out and ate them, because he also is a brony and writes clopfics to seduce his girlfriend."

Price responded "WHAT A FAGGOT. LOLIMSOCOOLDISSINGONSHITLIKE ABITCH."

They then walked into the Iraq desert, and reznov yelled "LOOK! STREOTYPICAL GUYS WHO DON'T MATCH OUR BRAINWASHED MENTAL OUTLOOK AND AREN'T EVEN LIKE REAL PEOPLE OF THOSE CATAGORIES!"

Price added in "YEAH! REPUBLICAN BLACK STAR-TREK BRONIES!"

They both yelled "SHOOT EM"

The next part involved Blackburn shooting the standard douchebag's idea of what a brony was; the freaks of nature that don't exist. He growled as he played through this part; this was biased as all hell, and offensive; he was a republican black-at-heart star-trek lovin' brony. This was bullshit; the people he was shooting were rosie o'donell blow-up dolls that had the "LEET HACKS" nerd voice.

Blackburn was going to bomb anyone related to COD after this.

Price finished pissing on the bodies and said "NOW….lets go buttfuck the shit out of those goats and get the pony jizz!"

Reznov pulled out a volin and begain saying "I remember my dad used to rape me in the closet…so 20 years later I took my anger out on Chernov and raped him, then threatened to kill him if he ever told anyone…."

Blackburn, trembling will anger, stood up crushing his controller in his hand, then eating it and shitting out a new controller. His cat sensed a wave of rage passing, and ran off his bed, taking half the sheets with it. the neighbors shuttered in their windows, and hid in closets. Hookers died of hemerriods. The reapers took their bitch-asses back to deep-space. Chuck Norris pissed hisself.

Blackburn fell to his knees, looked up and yelled "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG CALL OF DUTY! YOU SUCK HORSE DICK. WHY…HOW CAN PEOPLE PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT!"

The windows in his room melted, and the pipes in the bathroom burst as he ripped open a bag of 'glaucoma medicine' and began to calm himself down with his old bob Marley-MC hammer CD

He pressed exit campaign, avoiding busting this new controller as he recovered from that rage quit of epic proportions.

He stomped off to go drink liquid napalm and masturbate to the sound of 100 Vietcong roasting from a flamethrower.

A/N: I have to get rid of any maturity when I write this story; and I go on emotions and whatever the fuck comes to mind. That's what you have to do to play COD. Well, I don't know if this was as funny as last chapter, but I can only do so much hate in 1 story.

Review, for my sanity if nothing more.


	3. the final chapter of finalness

A/N: this chapter is shorter than I expected; it is also the last in the short story. It covers the 5 minutes I spent on a multiplayer match, so I didn't know how to put gay in so much space; it tried without getting angry thinking about it.

Chapter 3: I got pissed of writing that last chapter…god COD pisses me off.

Blackburn sat back down in his chair; god…WTF…he didn't even know why he rented his. ARMA, hell, battlefield was calling his name right now. Not this shit.

He scrolled over to special ops, and pressed the button; each one of the missions in their was un-labeled with a trollface on it. he clicked on the first misson and osama bin laden's voice said

"_you, infidel, are here to help make the death to America porno where we rape the men of America with our 2 inch dicks. Let the sodomty begin!"_

Blackburn tore his Xbox open and began smashing the disk to pieces. After he calmed down, he pulled the second disk from the case and fixed his Xbox with ducktape, then got back to the main menu, and choose multiplayer.

As he went to check his loadout, he noted the 60 locked slots for classes after you reached level no-life prestige 8057; the base rank for the game non-prestige was 708, with a made up rank included for everything past 40. There was a rank dedicated for 5 years olds labeled "god" that came with wallhacks, aimbot, and a voice amplifier designed to make their little faggish squeals 3 times as loud.

God, did he ever mention he hated call of duty?

He looked at the sniper rifles section and saw the PP9900A69 and the Barret 50. SMG, along with the L96—I mean, L118, because COD is right about everything related to guns and puberty; then there was a M-14 EBR with a scope, I mean, the M-21 because, you know, COD is the leader on realistic naming and depiction of guns.

He went to pistols and found: the G18, raffica, M-249(I mean, MK48), the intervention, and a large dismembered dick, and the gold desert eagle that was automatic with a bayonet that gave 300% range for knifing, and had a scope that was never used because it was also akimbo. It also had undercarriage neon lights and made dinner for 2, then smoothly fucked you to sleep.

The shotguns were as shitty as ever, being a wall of fuck at close range, and not hitting anything out of 2 feet; the list included: the GayGay-12, the USAS-12 (U Suck At Shooting-12), the SPAS-12, dual M-16's, and a slingshot with FMJ 84-MM rockets, and a AC-130 on a stick.

He growled as he looked at the assault rifle; it was basically a list exactly the same the past 73 games; they were now up to the M-4A2045; he rolled his eyes as he went to find a match.

He first loaded up the old gametype, team derpmatch; In the lobby were several maz ranks, whose names had more x's in them than the alphabet has letters.

He entered game chat as the match began, and was greeted by several voices:

"YEAH! I FUCKED YOUR MOM AND CARMEN ELECTRA!"

"NO WAY MAN, I FUCKED YOUR MOM, AND YOUR SISTER!"

"dude….she's your sister too!"

"I KNOW MAN, ISN'T THAT HOT?"

He exited game chat, rather disturbed; as the match started, he flopped over his spawn dead as a kid with a intervention flew to the top of the map and began to quickscope everything using his turbo controller's aimbot; within 12 seconds the nuke carpet bomb was called in, and many of the other people in the lobby had well over 60 kills.

Blackburn had only 3, and he JUST SPAWNED.

He ran around a corner, and then it hit him: this map took place in a theater's bathroom, and everyone spawned right next to each other. He checked the game details, and this was apparently the largest map in the game.

He re-spawned with tri-wielded AA-12's and began to rape the shit out of people, as they had bottomless clips and just spawned in front of him

He ran out of sanity and searched for a new gun; everyone's "unique" gun was a golden sniper rifle with "quickdrawn" and "bullshit pro leet editon"

As the next map cycled in, it was a soccer field that was almost all open; as he spawned AC-130's and captain price SNPC's spawned and began quick scoping everything is sight

After 12 hours of being stuck in a match, and several 1V1 requests from XxXxXxXxHaRdCoReFaGgeTLiKeSI tRoUGHxxxxxxxxxxxx, Blackburn rage quit, maybe for the very last time.

He took the disc, and got in his car; this trip would be a long one.

(2 weeks later…)

_As Blackburn drove up to white sands proving ground, he had convinced one of his cousins who worked there to stick something very special in the nuclear warhead they were launching today; but, even its destination would be different. _

_He sat in the control bunker and watched as the duct-taped the COD disc to the side of missile, and a few minutes later, the missile took off to its destination: activison's headquarters_

_As Blackburn pulled out his can of beer to celebrate this moment, he still wanted to slit his wrists from playing such a horrid game. He then was blown by tali zorah vas' Normandy_

Blackburn woke up, he had fallen asleep in the middle of a search and destroy game; both teams were still camping in the same spots, 3 hours later. He knew that the dream he was having was too good to be true.

He backed out of the lobby, and decided it was time to play spec-ops 1 more time before he fed the disc to his neighbor's pitbull.

The mission was called "speed like crazy" it was the same snowmobile mission from MW2, but it had a different premise; see how many Jewish black infants that were illegal immigrants you could run over before the final killcam of JFK being killed by Canadian Jesus with a tomahawk

The mission started, he was on top of a pile of crack in east Harlem, with 2 black kids beating it to pictures of captain price and rihanna fisting each other with cheese graters and HIV infected cats. Blackburn took of in his snowmobile, spattering them against his windshield as ghost congratulated him.

He sped down the street, taking out 3 old ladies, a Muslim, Barbra Streisand, and several black who all looked like 2 chainz.

The snowmobile transformed into a AC-130 with a intervention on it's side as he had to then quickscope the little children in England as Adolf Hitler laughed and EA made hot anal love to activison; the next things that happened, were the sounds of squeakers getting the final kills in a game with a tomahawk.

Blackburn stuck 2 plugs in both his ears as his brain just fell out.

He tore the disc out of his Xbox and began stomping on it; WHAT HAD HE BEEN PLAYING!? WHY WAS THIS CONSIDERED GOOD!? He felt his ass, and it appeared to be bleeding.

As he injected his arm with morphine and brain bleach, he vowed, on the grave…to NEVER….EVER….paly COD ever again.

He would make it his misson to make sure no-one else went through the horror he endured.

As he sat down at his computer, his E-mail inbox had 1089 messages that said:

Coming out next week: _call of duty 76: anal probefare 3 bondage edition._

_Pre-order today and get a 14x12 inch dildo to cram in your ass! Doubles as potato masher and blender! Also, pay us 1000 dollars and get a cheap RC car!_

Blackburn kicked his computer over and punched a hole in his wall; this rage would take a while to get over.

A/N: all of this story was non-fiction; everything I have said, is true. I bring this as a funny way to show my distane….for this series. However, I think people liked this story. It is up to you; should I make a new story about me playing another game? I have a problem with every game I play, to an extent; I thought about making 1 just talking about EA, but I dunno. What do you guys think?

Well, read my other stories, I assure you they are just as funny.

Lord Blackburn, out!

(R&R)


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